Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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