good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
