I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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