The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
