So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
