Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize