You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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