dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
