Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
did i walk over a car last night?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
