She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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