Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
