The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
there was a trapeze. enough said
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
