I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize