I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
