Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
