can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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