Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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