twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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