Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
