I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
