I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
