This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
