Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
