apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
