wrigley field is MILF paradise
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
