Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
