Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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