I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
