I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
