I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
