I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
