I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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