According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
