also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
