She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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