Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
