how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
