The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
