I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
