last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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