She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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