stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
