i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
