Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
