Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
