Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
