I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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