You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
