I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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