either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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