I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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