So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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