i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
