that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
