so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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