All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
