did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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