we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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