i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
