Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize